Post Secret

I leave people bc I think it will be easier in the long run.

(99.9% of the time i always regret leaving them, but by then it’s to late to say anything)

I believe in God, but always wonder if He cares as much as everyone says or as He says.

people say actions speak louder than words….and His actions are proving other wise.

i will not go to church this week bc i don’t want Him to care anymore. it hurts to much.

Trust

what is trust and do we ever really trust anyone fully? do we even trust ourselves? we sure think we do sometimes. but i don’t think we do we don’t. or at least most of us do not.

i am one of those who doesn’t. i have recently found this out.

when we don’t trust anyone or even our selves it affects something in our life whether it be relationships, friendships, self confidence, or whatever your thing is.

mine, it’s relatiomships

this is why none of my relationships work. bc i don’t fully truest anyone. deep down inside i think that at some point everyone will leave me so what’s the point? i have also found that i don’t even trust myself. i tell myself i’m going to stay away from one thing but slow but surely i end up there again. not on purpose of course just out of habit and comfort.

how can i expect my relationships to work out when i don’t 100% trust them or myself? it’s not that i don’t trust them at all, i do, just not fully 100%.

the only person i have never had one doubt in trusting and knowing will always be there and never leave me, is my heavenly Father God.

“Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, ‘I will never leave you or forsake you.’” Hebrews 13:5

so here and now, i begin on my journey with God to learn to trust not only myself but others as well.

The Beach

sitting at the beach house thinking…

the waves really never stop.

love is really real.

my camera is amazing.

Hillary is my sister.

Dave Matthews is what makes my soul fly to the sky.

i am in the mood to write.

i will write while i’m here at least 3 times, this time not counting.

we have more then enough food.

when i love…i love deep and it never goes away.

i have loved someone, and it was real.

i miss my best friends Trey, Blake and Josh.

i just farted.

haha there will be more to come…

Parents

you can’t live without them, in fact you wouldn’t be here without them, but good greef sometimes i don’t think it’s possible to live with them.

we all love our parents and for the most part get along with them, but it’s nights like these that i’m ready to just move out and be done with the rules. i’m ready for my rules.

i think about this and the idea of moving out sounds so amazing, but then i have 

nights like Monday night.  nights where i lay outside under the stars on top of my car listening to music and cry at the thought of getting older and not being a little kid. 

i would love to live at home as long as possible, but i would love for my parents to realize that i am old enough now to make my own choices. i’m old enough now to know what time i need to be home that way i’m not dead tired or if i do decided to stay out late and wake up early the next morning, that’s my choice and i have to deal with the outcome of that choice.

i know our parents love us dearly and are just trying to help us not become screw up’s, but there’s a time where parents can do no more and it become their time to sit back and hope that they’ve done enough.

i am at that age now.

Fun Filled Day

today was the first day in a long time that i hung out with my family all day. it was so awesome and i missed it. i love my family so much!

i woke up around 11:45 and felt as if something was wrong with my mom. something was bothering her but i had (and still have) no idea what it was. but as the day went on, mom and i both cleaned the house while my two little brothers played and finished up their homeschool homework. after everything was done around 2:45 we started for Frontier City. by this time things seemed a little better but something was still bothering her and she wouldn’t tell me. we arrived at Frontier City probably around 3:30 and stayed until 6. we then went to meet up with my dad at Macaroni Grill and eat dinner. after dinner we ended up going to the mall to buy some sunglasses for my dad. we spent about an hour in the sunglasses store picking out goofy looking sunglasses and having all of us try them on. finally we cracked down and bought some serious sunglasses for my dad. after the sunglass hut store we went to look for shoes. we probably spent about another hour in the shoe store, but ended up buying my dad some new shoes, mom and Meiki some new flip flops, and me some sandals for when i go to Africa.

though this may not sound like a very fun or eventful day, it was exactly what i needed. it was somewhat planned but at the same time not planned at all. i loved it! everyone ended up having a blast and i’m so glad that God has blessed me with such a wonderful mother, father and little brothers.

My Heart

Lord you know what my heart feels at all times. you know what it longs for, who it longs for, what it breaks for, and who it breaks for. why must i love so deeply that it makes no sense.

i will always love him and he will always have a place in my heart always and forever. but does this mean that i shouldn’t stop waiting for him to realize that i will always love him? should i move on or at least try? this is one of those things that is much easier said then done.

i don’t have very many memories with this person but the few that i do have a charish and will always. he may never know or realize this and apart of me is okay with that but most of me is not. i want to hold him in my arms and tell him everything is going to be alright when things look like they’re not. i want to look him in the eyes and tell him i love him and he know just how deep that love truly is. i want to look into his eyes and know that he’s the one i will always be with. but will this ever come?

Lord i know that you say to have patients, but sometimes i just want to give up. sometimes i’m not sure what the heck you want me to do with these feelings. i want to say you’ve given them to me to teach me how to wait and be okay with waiting but then again i don’t. 

if he is not the one for me will i love the one you have in store for me just as much or more? if i were to love someone more then this, i cannot even begin to imagine how that would feel. and if you do have someone different for me i can’t imagine how amazing and wonderful they must be, because to me he is everything i could ever want, will ever want and the only person i’ll ever love this much.

but you know what Lord, i’m going to trust in you. i’m going to need your help though, giving everything to you, but i know with your help i can do anything. i give him and my love for him all to you. may your will be done.

Mr. Hurricane

i haven’t blogged in a long time and i honestly think it’s just because i’ve been so lazy. so i have decided that i want to write tonight.

i’ve been thinking about this summer and how much i have planned, it’s truly crazy.

June 19-21: going to the lake with the family

June 25: court for my ticket

June 26-July 3rd: going to the beach in Texas with the family and Hill

July 4th: 4th of July hanging out with the family and friends and blowing stuff up

July 6th: dad’s 48th birthday and Pay At The Pump/Chariot show in Tulsa

July 9th-August 1st: Sierra Leone, Africa with my best friend.

i know there’s people out there with a lot more to do, but it’s just weird for me to have all this to do. i’m so use to having the summer to just be free and go with the wind. not planning anything, just going with the flow but having a blast at the same time.

this summer will be very different, like every summer tends to be. it’s already shown to be very hard in some places and trying in others. my heart feels as if it’s being ripped in a thousand different directions. my faith is being tried left and right and i’m trying to hold onto God with all i have.

summer is a time in the seasons where, if you’re single, you realize the most that you’re single. it’s a lot harder to deal with and not just settle for whatever walks in your direction. it is said, good thing’s come to those who wait. but it never says how long we must wait. are we to wait our life away or after a certain time are we to move on even though our hearts may not. is our hearts always going to be stuck in what could be, should be, could’ve been, should’ve been.

is this the heart of a dreamer that i have or a heart just like everyone else’s? if it is a heart of a dreamer, i should have no heart because it was taken and crushed once you left me. but if it is really a heart that everyone has, how do they deal with a love this deep? how do they just move on? how do they look at the person and their heart not break and tears not come to their eyes when they think of that person not ever being in their life again?

God has given me a heart of deep love, but my question is why can i not let go of that love? how long must i wait for a Him to take it away. how long am i going to have to wait for him?

Fast Food is Good for You…

i was sitting in class thinking..what if fast food really is good for you? what if society and our parents have made it out to be horrible for you because they know, if you’re told “don’t do this” or “you shouldn’t eat that” they know you’ll eat or do it.

so what if they’ve come together as one big team to get us to eat fast food? 

 

 

it’s mainly the ages of about 28 and under that are so into fast food. yes, there are older people that eat it but the main group of people that eat fast food are between the ages 25-12(this is just my opinion though).

since these are the ages that eat the most fast food we don’t know how it’s going to really affect them in the long run. yes, they say it’s horrible for you and that it’s really hard on your body, but if it really is all just a trick then that is what they would tell you so you would keep eating it.

just some random thinking. i highly doubt this is true.

Letter to My Mother

(my mommy on our mission trip in Peru last summer.)

this is my mother’s day gift.

i write because that is the best way i know to express my feelings. but sometimes even then, word’s are not enough.

Dearest Mother,

I know not why we must wait for a day, for society to set aside to tell us when to appreciate our mothers. Sadly I have fallen into this groove. I have been selfish. I have not stopped to take the time to just thank you for even the simplest things. It is like a light switch in a way. Every morning, night, and throughout the day we walk into a room and expect when we flip that switch that the light will come on always. But do we stop to think about what if the light doesn’t come on? Do we stop to thank the man who invented the light? Or better yet do we think to thank our creator for putting that man on this earth and giving that man the mind he had to figure how to make light? No, we just flip the switch and go about our day. This is how I think most everyone goes about their day when it comes to people in their lives, especially mothers.

It saddens me to know that I have fallen into this part of society.

Honestly, I think that our mothers are so easily forgotten because they are so selfless. They give all their time and thoughts to their husband and children. They have no room at all to think of only themselves.

For this I want to say thank you. Thank you for being the perfect mother, a mother who thinks not of her self but for others. A mother who sees the good underneath the bad and always wants to help others before herself. This is one thing that I have come to learn from you and I’m so very glad that I have. You are so special and completely one of a kind. There is no other mother like you and I don’t think anyone would ever be able to come close even if they tried.

You are naturally beautiful, full of the Holy Spirit, a light within the darkness, selfless, a leader, a blessing, a teacher, an up-lifter, and encourager, and so much more. I could go on and on.

You have stuck by my side and believed in me when no one else could see what you could. I really have no idea where I would be in this world without you as my mother. You were faithful to what God told you to believe. (Isaiah 38:19 The living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today; fathers tell their children about your faithfulness.)

Though I have come to see that I tend to be the black sheep in all that I do and everywhere I go, you have come to accept me for just who God has created me to be. You may not understand a lot that I do or want to do, say or think, but God has taught you through this that you can’t understand everything. That sometimes you must just trust and follow Him. You have done such a wonderful job in doing this. It’s so awesome to be able to watch you grow in your faith every day.

I am truly sorry for all that I have put you through, but I hope that it has been a blessing in many ways. I hope through all the mistakes that I’ve made and will make, I hope that you will see and continue to see, that God is shaping me into someone different and unique. But without you being in my life I would not be where I am with God and my relationship with Him and for that there are not words to express my gratefulness and thankfulness.

I love you so much mommy.

1 John 3:1 How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

Dreams

so i just woke up probably about 50 minutes ago. right after school i came straight home and went to bed. but before i actually fell asleep my mom came in asking what was wrong and why i wanted to go to sleep. i told her it was because i was extremely tired and couldn’t stay away for even a hour. she then began to ask if it might have anything to do with how late i’ve been staying out. i told her no that i just didn’t feel good and needed to sleep. at that point she left, some what frustrated because i wouldn’t talk to her more about what was going on, and i drifted into a sleep.

let me add this..when i went to sleep i had a horrible headache and felt really bad. now i have a headache every day but some days are worse than others and this week they’ve just been getting worse throughout the week.

but anyways back to my dream.

it started off with my brother Meiki, my mom and i all going on a trip and meeting my dad, youngest brother Jaid and some other family somewhere. oh and in this dream Meiki somehow turned into a little animal, kind of like a hamster. so here we were, my mom, Meiki and i on this boat that could also fly. we were sailing through the ocean having a great time just talking and enjoying the weather. then out of no where a storm blew in and the ocean got extremely rough. my mom ended up getting hit in the head and knocked off the boat. it was dark outside and my brother(before he turned into an animal) couldn’t see where my mom had went and the boat was moving at a very fast pace. once the weather calmed Meiki and i ended up in Texas but not on the cost. somehow we ended up in Austin. Meiki and i went walking house to house looking for someone to let us use their phone. their houses here though were like those doll houses you see little girls playing with. the ones with it cut in half where you can just walk in and see everything as you pass by. the only difference was that where you thought you could just walk in there was actually a force field thing preventing just anyone walking in. it would only let you come in if the owners feelings about you had no danger.

we came to this house and this little old lady watering her thousands of plants let us come in and use her phone. we got ahold of my dad immediately and told him what had happened to mom. he didn’t sound shocked or upset. this put me into a daze. we left the old woman’s house and ended up at Braum’s. one of my mom’s friends was there with her kid, yet i couldn’t make out either of their faces. i then proceeded to tell her what had just happened and again she didn’t seemed surprised or upset. my daze grew deeper. she kept insisting that she buy us ice creams.

somehow i ended up at school. it was during chapel and everyone had heard what had happened, but yet again no one showed emotion except me. i was living in a world that was numb to everything. i was walking through the chairs trying to find a spot to sit when i completely lost it. i started bawling and looked into the eyes of my best friend..he looked at me and then turned away and acted like nothing was wrong. i was alone in a world without the one person that had the gift of caring.

then i awoke burning hot and covered in sweat. the dream felt so real that i got up and had to touch my mom to make sure that she was still alive. and then i started crying. my mom asked what was wrong and then i told her about my dream.

i’m sorry if my writing today doesn’t flow very well, but i’m not feeling good at all. i just needed to write this down to make sense of it all. and now i think i have a pretty good idea of what it was supposed to mean.